I went overseas quite a bit as a kid until my mom Boertjie (my father) divorced, don’t really know why we didn’t go anymore although I assume it had something to do with the lack of funding for such expeditions. After my mom married Michael dickface (or just dickface for short), my mom did try and take my brother and I away when she could. One year, she took us and Miss London (my ‘aunt’ whose nickname will be explained in another story all together) to the Kruger National park for a week that coincidently coincided with new years eve.

And despite the unfavourable fact that dickface was alive and well on the holiday, Miss London and I were determined to have a good time. So we arrived, unpacked and did all the usual checks one does when arriving at a new place. We checked the room situation and fought over who gets the best bed, we checked the functionality of the TV, unpacked the food from the car and proceeded to eat… uuuhhr I mean pack the food. Miss L and I then went searching for fun. It was quite a successful quest as we found a café, a pool, trampolines and possible holiday friends with one lucky fella having potential for other purposes.

We eventually got acquainted with this group of newly formed friends and nicknames were shared: Eminem, Ariel, Rain and Brad. Eminem wasn’t my type so that only left me one option in Brad, who happened to be the most attractive one in that entire resort. So the odds weren’t in my favour, luckily Miss L is a few years younger than me so she was kinda out of the running for Brad. Then I learned that Rain was in fact his sister and therefore out to; conveniently Ariel wasn’t his type so I had hit a jackpot.

I pulled my moves out, as did he and before the day was up we had been given the nickname Bradgelina affectionately. We were then the two to look out for in terms of drama and juicy gossip. The group became close as the days went by, we attended game drives and very embarrassing karaoke evenings, which we rocked by the way. We frequented the pool and pretty much spent the entire week in our costumes.

We had an amazing time but the week was not without its drama. On about day 3 or 4 the duo of Bradgelina came under strain. He started becoming clingy and I kept trying to get me alone to make his move in getting his tong in my mouth. After my experience as a youngin, I was kind of put off kissing, especially as young as I was. I wanted to wait until I was 16 at least.

I started developing a feeling that has plagued me at least once in all male encounters. It started the day I had my first near kiss and resurfaces whenever I feel uncomfortable or claustrophobic in a relationship, or with men in general. It sits in the pit of my stomach and feels as though I have been violated. I feel nauseous, can’t eat, can’t sleep properly and my whole body screams at me to get out of that situation. All the while, I find the guys less and less attractive and small things I used to like, start becoming ridiculously irritating. This normally happens 2 weeks in but in this case, it started after only 4 days.

Long story short, I distanced myself and became ‘off’ with him. He made a new friend in a 16 year old girl, and I became jealous. I know, I know, I am so confussed (mixture between confused and fussed). He bought me a question bar with the a note on the wrapper saying “do I do it for you?”. Begrudgingly, I parted with a whole half of my chocolate when I gave him the half that had a “yes” on it, and all was well for the remainder of the holiday. I left feeling vindicated as I succeeded in keeping my kissing virginity.

I got his home number, saved it on Dicface’s mobile phone, which was the thing to do back in the day, and proceeded home. Back at home I didn’t feel the urgent need to communicate to Dicface, even to get Brad’s number. I never called him and in true real life’s style, we never ran into each other in the vastness of Johannesburg.

I managed to find him on Facebook years later and with my amazing stalker skills. He was happily married with child and I decided not to be that random girl and contact him. Looking back though, it was an amazing week and I wouldn’t mind reliving it, even with my womanly mishaps.

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